


The Indefensible

by Sapphicsarah



Category: Holby City, Last Tango In Halifax
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-22 01:20:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10686855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphicsarah/pseuds/Sapphicsarah
Summary: For anon





	The Indefensible

It’s not even five minutes into the shift when Hanssen looms into the trauma bay. Bernie stands at the foot of the gurney looking worried.

“Theatre won’t suffice these days?” Hanssen asks in that quiet, smooth voice of his.

“Occupied with a gamma nail,” Bernie says curtly. “Kate Mckenzie, RTC victim. Car swerved in front of her apparently.”

“How many weeks pregnant?”

“Thirty six.”

“So hardly suitable for a trauma unit,” Hanssen observes cooly.  

Serena is on the phone to Obs and Gynae but they are elbow deep in another procedure and cannot be here any time soon. Her heart is beating fast, and she wonders for a moment why she ever wanted to build a trauma bay in the first place. She feels out of her depth, a little lost.

“I don’t think we’ll be able to stabilize her if we wait,” Bernie says.  

“There’s fluid in the abdomen,” Serena mutters.

“BP’s dropping. Prepare for a trauma laparotomy.”

Serena looks at Bernie in alarm, and Hanssen asks her to wait, but Bernie says the patient is shocked and if they wait the mother and baby will die. She calls for a knife, and they begin.

Serena’s hand is inside the abdomen. The incision was quick and bloody, and their gloves are stained red. Her heart is still beating fast, and Serena keeps one eye on the door.

“Where the hell are pediatrics?” she asks, hating how uncertain she sounds.

Bernie looks at her and says firmly but kindly, “It’s okay, we’ve got this Serena.”

Serena nods, and tries to think back to her Obstetrics rotation during medical school. Her mind races, and she can only recall bits and pieces, shards of information.

_I’m a vascular surgeon_ , Serena thinks. _I don’t deliver babies_.

Then, suddenly, there she is, nestled between Bernie’s hands.

Serena had forgotten how small they are. Little fingers and toes, arms and legs, a face. This baby wasn’t quite ready for the world, and she’s just a little too small. She’s so delicate that Serena fears she will break when Bernie begins the sternal rub.

Time slows as they wait, and seconds feel like a lifetime. Serena’s heart aches when nothing happens. The little chest stays still, no rise and fall.

Fear spikes through her, and Serena dares not turn her head to see the woman on the gurney, torn open and unconscious. Her child lies between them, and Serena wills the baby to cry. Wills her to breathe, wills her to live. But nothing happens.

The world around them seems to fade, until all the other people in the room are muted silhouettes. The noises of the trauma bay are suddenly hazy, as if the sound is traveling across a great distance. This is all that matters now; Bernie’s hands around the infant’s chest, trying to get her to breathe.

Serena looks up at Bernie, and Bernie looks back. Her big eyes seem larger than ever, and Serena cannot bear it, so she turns back to their small patient. She feels Bernie watching her as she continues moving her finger in a small, delicate circle. Over and over and over again. Bernie is still looking at Serena when the baby takes her first breath, and cries.

Serena thinks it is the most beautiful sound she’s ever heard.

Bernie takes one short moment to sigh in relief, her face now softer than before, the worry gone from her eyes. She gives Serena a quick nod as a final, private reassurance. Then, she begins ordering people about, and the world whirls back into focus. Serena steps away, still feeling lost, and a little out of place in her own department.

“Lots of big packs, please,” Bernie orders. “Let’s get her upstairs as quickly as possible. Make sure this baby’s got a mum.”

Serena steps forward as the baby is rolled away.

“Good call,” she murmurs.

“Girl power,” Bernie says. They high-five and Serena laughs. She feels a little less lost.

Later, she heads upstairs to Obs and Gynae. She is getting report on Kate Mckenzie, when the nurse tells her that Cameron saved Kate and the baby. The car had struck her down outside a shop, and Cameron performed mouth to mouth and resuscitated her. He had saved her life.

Serena is about to head down to tell Bernie the news, when she sees a woman coming down the corridor like a hurricane. She marches up to the nurses station, wearing a long cardigan and a pale, blue shirt. Her blonde hair is pulled back and her eyes are full of something. _Terror_ , Serena thinks.

The woman is tall, a little frightening and very beautiful. Her face is all red and splotchy, as if she’d been crying. But when she speaks her voice is hard and commanding.

“Where is she? Where’s my wife?” she nearly shrieks. Her voice breaks when she asks again, “Where’s Kate?”

“Through here,” says Anna, a kind-looking obstetrics nurse. Anna guides the woman to the right room, and Serena follows, lingering outside the door. She watches for a moment, and sees the woman practically melt at the sight of Kate. Her shoulders sag, and her body seems to soften as she sits in the chair next to the hospital bed. Kate is alive and well and all wrapped up in warm blankets, with their daughter fast asleep in her arms.

Serena stays for a minute longer, watching the family getting to know each other. She watches the woman hold the little baby, and Serena smiles when the woman starts crying again, rocking the little bundle back and forth. Kate looks tired, a little worn down, but she has that glow all new mothers seem to have. She’s shining with new life, all rosy and exhausted.

_This is why I built the trauma bay_ , Serena thinks. _For this._

After a little while, she slips away from the quiet hospital room and away from the little family, who are all teary and relieved and alive. She wanders slowly back down to AAU where Bernie lies and lies.

It hurts more than Serena realises. This thing they’ve built together, everything they’ve worked for, could have vanished, disappeared into the air like smoke. Bernie perverted the course of justice, and put the entire trauma unit in jeopardy. Serena doubts Bernie has any appreciation for her, or for their friendship. Bernie lies to her. Repeatedly.

Even now.

It stings, and Serena is not sure why it hurts so much. They’ve been friends, fast friends. But nothing prepared Serena for Bernie hurling Elinor’s name across the office.

“What would you do if it were Elinor? And she said she’d never speak to you again?”

Serena stands still, rooted to the spot. She stares at Bernie’s desperation, and sees Bernie’s yearning for her child, and then Serena remembers how very small Elinor had been on the day she was born. She had been wet and loud, with little fingers and toes, arms and legs, a beautiful scrunched-up face. Serena had clung to her, had held her close, and had felt her heart lurch when Elinor wrapped her tiny fingers around Serena’s thumb. She’d been so frightened by the prospect of motherhood. The shadow of her own childhood loomed, and her mother’s voice was still ringing in her ear. Serena remembered silently promising Elinor that she would try, she would try so very hard to be a good mother.

Serena turns and walks out, leaving Bernie without a word.

Many hours later, she watches Bernie through the window of their office. Cameron is asleep, and Bernie is watching over him. Serena tries to slip away unnoticed, but Bernie follows her down the corridor.

Serena confesses softly, that if it were Elinor, she’d do whatever it took to keep her close.

“That’s what love is, I suppose; defending the indefensible.”

She takes a deep breath, murmurs goodbye, and hears Bernie say goodnight.

As she opens the ward door, Serena turns back and sees Bernie smiling. The smile is warm and lovely and Serena carries it with her all the way home and into bed. She blames her dreams on that smile, and decides not to question why she dreams of the two women in the hospital room kissing as their daughter slept. She dreams of the warm sound of Bernie murmuring gently. And she dreams of Bernie telling her softly, over and over again, that everything is going to be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written for LTIH so I'm sorry if this is terrible


End file.
